Chopsticks: The Home Improvement Tool of the New Millenium

In 1997, when Todd and I started going out, I lived in the world's smallest apartment. It was the kind of place where the kitchen was so small I couldn't open the fridge all the way. It would open halfway because the walkway between the fridge and the sink was so narrow that the fridge door couldn't open all the way. Putting leftover pizza away was a feat of engineering that usually required a plate and foil.

There was no storage space to speak of in this apartment. There were two tiny closets. The closets were not deep enough to store clothing. I had to turn the hangers slightly to be able to close the closet doors. The building was erected some time before the wheel was invented and I suspect people used smaller hangers then, and didn't store leftover pizza in the fridge.

The bathroom had its own issues. Sure the tiles were charming, but a radiator pipe ran floor to ceiling right near where I stood when I used the sink. If I had a nickel for every time I burned my shoulder on that hot pipe I could have covered the rent for at least 2 months. There was no faucet with which to fill the tub; I had to run the shower to fill the enormous tub when I wanted to have a soak. Located high up on the wall, near the ceiling, was the bathroom window which allowed a scenic view of the bedroom if you stood on the sink on your tip toes.

Storage was lacking in the bathroom until Todd came over for the weekend and built a shelf. He bought a piece of that white wire shelving and fastened it to the wall using hemp string and a chopstick. I knew on that very weekend that he would be the man for me. He secured a shelf using a chopstick. How MacGuyvery cool is that?

Now it's twelve years later we're preparing for our new fridge to be delivered tomorrow. The one that came with the house sucks. It doesn't close properly. Griffen ate the handle one day when he wanted to get something to eat. It's a side by side fridge freezer jobbie, that we can't, ironically, fit leftover pizza into. Tonight we pulled the old fridge from the wall and disconnected water line that runs to the in-door water dispenser. Todd disconnected the main water line that runs into the house from the well, so we wouldn't have to work in a puddle, then we moved the fridge to the other side of the room.

"So, this presents an interesting problem. We'll need the water on tomorrow morning when we take showers. But it'll just pour out of this line if we turn it on," Todd stroked his goatee, deep in thought.

I wasn't paying attention to the water dilemma until he called up from the basement "I am going to turn the water back on. Tell me if water comes out of the water line."

I sat and waited, no water came out, "No, it's not. It's fine!" I called back to him. He joined me in the kitchen when I asked him, "So, what did you do?"

He pointed to his genius fridge water line plug. Jammed into the end of the water line was a chopstick.

May the Todd Be With You

Todd has this uncanny knack for getting people to do what he wants. (Which is probably how I ended up not only married to him, but also doing his laundry. He used his crazy voodoo and got me to up the altar and into the laundry room. I am telling you, the man is slick!) He can encounter the most strict rules, the odds stacked against him, the planets entirely unaligned for him and still get people to cooperate with him most of the time. I've told you his ability to get my car registered with the DMV, where I had failed the day before. He didn't do this with some magic document that made the DMV staffers swoon. He just went in there, gave them all the same pieces of paper I gave them the day before and managed to succeed where I failed. The man has a certain mystique about him, that manages to cut through all the red tape and get things done in short order.

On Tuesday night the realtor called us and said, "You're closing on the sale of your house on the 31st. You need to call the fire department and get them to inspect your house between now and the 31st." I called the fire inspector right away, and was informed by their voice mail greeting that they require two weeks notice for inspections. Two weeks that I didn't have. I had less time than that, something like six days.

"Todd! Crap! Whaddarewegonnado?" I blurted into the phone. "GAH!!!"

"Don't worry, let's just go down to the fire station in the morning and see what can be done. It'll be harder for them to turn us away if we go there."

The next morning we wandered into the fire station, and went to the administrative office. We (Todd) explained our situation, and then proceeded to charm the living hell out of the woman behind the counter.

Batting her eyes, "Why certainly, Todd. Your wish is my command" the woman behind the counter replied. With dazed eyes, she robotically ambled over to the appointment book, "Our next appointment is 9 AM tomorrow, master. Is this suitable for you, kind sir?" She blinked, snapped out of Todd's tractor beam of cooperation, and went back to her desk as if she was slightly confused as to what had just happened.

We met with the inspector, and asked him all about what we needed to do to prepare for the inspection--replace our ancient smoke detectors with smoke/carbon monoxide detectors. (Which ended up taking the Force of Todd roughly .35 seconds to complete.)

"OK, so we'll see you tomorrow at 9. I'll have some hot coffee on for you," Todd smiled.

"Uh, thanks, but I can't accept any gifts," the inspector replied.

So I guess the Force of Todd ends just short of bribing a city official.

:::

Radio silence for the next few days. We will be scrubbing, cleaning, sanding, painting, moving, arranging, rearranging, wiping the sweat off our foreheads, and then eventually kicking up our feet in our new house this weekend. I am not sure when I will post next, but you better believe it will be with pictures of the new joint.

Happy Birthday Todd!

To the most excellent husband, Happy Birthday!

Now, use that GPS I bought you for your birthday and get home so I can take you out to dinner.

Best Conversation Ever

Todd and I spent the week in Vermont for Thanksgiving. It takes just over 4 hours to drive there, and it’s always nice to have all that time in the car together on those trips. We talk about life, politics, our families, our friends, our childhoods and everything else. This afternoon on the way back to Rhode Island we had one of the deeper and more meaningful conversations we’ve had in a long time.

Todd: I wonder who was the first person to ever dress as a clown.

Beej: (Distracted from the conversation with driving) What?

Todd: There had to be a first person to ever dress as a clown, right? There must have been a time when someone dressed as a clown for the first time.

Beej: (Intrigued) Um-hmm.

Todd: So the first person to dress as a clown really was just dressed like a jack-ass. He got all dressed up, went to a party and his friends were like ‘What the hell? Dude, why are you wearing size 40 shoes?’

Beej: And then they’d talk about him later ‘OK, what was up with that? Why did he keep honking that horn?’

Todd: And then before they knew it, there were clowns everywhere.

Beej: Yeah, that’s a trend that the world really didn’t need, huh?

An Example of My Husband's Brilliance

I took some pictures of one of Todd's latest inventions just to illustrate Todd's MacGuyer-esque quality. I raced to our computer, memory card and Oreo cookie in hand. It took me a few seconds to realize I'd nearly put the memory card in my mouth, and the cookie into the card reader. So, I nearly commited a random act of stupidity while preparing a post on how smart my husband is. There's a joke in there about me being the yin to his yang. Or something.

Anyway, during the day we tie the dogs behind our house on a dog run. Todd has created an elaborate run that clips each dog onto both a harness and a collar. Just in case one of my Houdini dogs manages to get free of the collar, he cannot get free of the harness. And vice versa.



Todd has built out quite the outdoor environment for our boys. He installed an automatic dog watering dish that will keep a constant supply of cold water on hand for them. The hard top of my Jeep rests on the picnic table and serves as shade on a sunny day as well. At one point he even fixed some sort of rope toy with tennis balls on it to the actual dog run so that they would have something to play with while tied out. I actually envy my dogs for this dogtopia that Todd has created. He had even had a web cam positioned at the back door so we could log on and see what they were doing. It was then I knew who ate the lattice off the bottom of the deck. (Nemo, I am watching you, little dog.)

There's only one problem with the beautiful dog world in back of my house. When we'd come home from work, the cables for the dog run would be horribly tangled. Over the course of the day, the dogs would change their mind about the optimal lounging spot approximately 435825 times, or get thirsty and would have to change positions throughout the day. As a result the cables would tangle into something that resembles those metal puzzles that you have to finagle the ring off of to solve. It would literally take 5 minutes to untangle the blasted things.

On Saturday morning Todd developed this.

Not sold in stores, ladies and gentlemen. It is a multi-dog run swivel thingy that will keep the lines from getting horribly tangled. Manufactured from a space-age polymer, this multi-dog run swivel thingy will keep your dogs free to roam the yard in search of that one perfect spot to pee for the entire day.

Look out Ronco, here comes Toddco.